Not Your Average Jane

I really could get to dislike heart to heart talks… Especially when they make me look at things about myself I really don’t want to dwell on. It becomes something my mom likes to call “ A Come to Jesus Talk”. You hear whats wrong with you from a third party, whether you want to hear it or not, discuss the problem or problems and try to figure out a way to resolve said problem (s).

I had such a talk tonight from one of the few people in the world who can get away with it without me being too upset with them. Annoyed yes, but rarely truly upset. He made me look at myself and past behavior (especially in relation to men and more specifically in relation to guys in my life in the last year or so) that I really don’t like thinking about if I can help it.

Dammit man.

It’s a good thing he brought a bottle of wine over or else I may have to hurt him badly is all I can say…

I know I have issues with trusting men, with a history like mine it would be a shock if I DIDN’T have some sort of trust issues… But apparently SOME people think that it may be hindering me from getting into a relationship. I think to an extent that’s true but that’s not the only thing keeping me from being part of some romantic twosome… There’s also a hefty dose of fear…. Fear of rejection, fear of being hurt again, fear of abandonment, fear of the future, fear of letting any guy too close again and a dozen others that seem to hold me back….

That was only part of our little discussion… We also talked about some stuff that happened at the beginning of the year… And my actions and reactions in relation to a certain douchebag/asshat…. He (Nathan – whom I had the “come to Jesus” talk with) suggested that I wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side… And he also suggested that I thought the chase was better than the catch… Both true in part. I couldn’t have had half the fun I’ve had in the last 6 months if I had been in a relationship with the asshat. I’m not even saying our dating would have led to a relationship that would have even lasted this long because I don’t have ESP and I have no idea what would have happened if I hadn’t have burned bridges….

But sitting here looking at the whole thing from a bit more objective point of view (and slightly more forgiving after all the wine I’ve had today and the time that’s elapsed since the whole thing went down…) I don’t know if my first instincts were right anymore. Yeah he acted like a jerk but I never gave him the chance to either a. apologizes or b. explain (had he wanted to do either). I just began ignoring his messages…. I didn’t tell him I was upset about his behavior or clue him in in any way that his actions made me mad. Pretty much I didn’t communicate well… How could he have known I was upset, let alone know what I was upset by because I didn’t talk about it? As Nathan reminded me… Communications are one of the keys to a good relationship of any kind. How can anyone know what you’re thinking or feeling unless you tell them? Not everyone is a mind reader after all.

I guess hindsight really is 20/20….

Let’s see what have we learned here…

1. Communication is key
2. There must be trust in a relationship
3. I’m a scaredy cat
4. I’m really picky
5. And last but not least…. Wine is awesome. :0)

posted by Ali @ 10:52 PM