Not Your Average Jane

I thought I was sure… Then I talked to a good friend and suddenly I’m wavering in the steadiness of my surety. But it is possible this friend is wrong and I’m right and I live happily ever after? But then again what if he’s right and I’m wrong and I’m wasting my time and energy on someone whose not worth it.

Gad, I hate being confused about men… It’s a toss up which I hate worse. Being into guys that are unavailable or being confused about guys in general. Both suck like a Hoover…

For months now I’ve been into one guy… I’m not even gonna give him a fake name like I do for most guys in my blogs… But he was one of the ones I wrote an open letter to… Anyway so this one guy… We’ve talked enough that I know we have a lot of stuff in common… He’s one of the few guys I know that can match me story for story and doesn’t seem shocked by anything I do or say. BUT he also doesn’t go out much, then again I’ve cut down a lot too so we almost have that in common… And as much as we talk, we’ve never hung out outside of work, mainly because I’ve never gotten up the nerve to ask, since I’m just a big chicken and afraid of rejection to boot. On occasion I even feel bad about giving him such a hard time but those twinges of conscious go away pretty quickly… There are times I feel like one of those girls in elementary school who pokes and prods and annoys the boy she likes til he finally notices her. I’m perfectly nice, sweet maybe a bit sassy with everyone else I know but with him it’s a constant need to needle him to get some sort of reaction. Usually I can get one too… Its usually a very sarcastic one but its one nonetheless. But no matter how much I poke him he never pokes back… At least not often. Which is kind of odd since just about everyone (including myself) does.

Before tonight I had never really considered that he may just not be into me. Which is why I’m vacillating in my certainty about him and the whole situation… Before tonight I was sure we’re at least friends, maybe on the verge of something else, especially since football season’s almost over, which will free up his time more. But what if that’s not the case and he’s just not that into me? I was at least somewhat confident in where I stood before tonight… Now I’m wondering, if he’s not into me and I’m just wasting my time and energy with a crush that will never be anything else BUT a crush. And its been awhile since I had such a huge crush on anyone… Maybe since the ex even… (now pick your jaws up off the floor….)

ARGH!!!!! I don’t know what to do… And I hate not knowing what to do… Uncertainty in any form drives me insane… More so than usual…

I don’t know what to do. And it sucks. I don’t know what to do and I’m not sure I should do anything at all…. Which sucks too… I’m not good at being stagnant or maintaining the status quo… I want to shake things up… Grab the bull by the horns… Show up wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. SOMETHING… ANYTHING… Just to shake things up a bit… Though I did that a little earlier… Not showing up in Saran Wrap but in a shirt that was a bit revealing at least… But I can’t remember if he looked at all… I was too busy drinking him in… That’s insanely old fashioned sounding but its true… THAT’S how bad I have it.

And so I guess the saga continues… Dammit man.

posted by Ali @ 11:34 PM