Not Your Average Jane

This is more of a resolutions/goals for New Year’s than anything else… I can’t even think of what else it might be called… But since it’s a New Year I decided I am going to quit being afraid. Afraid of rejection, abandonment, being hurt, to open up, to take risks, and living in constant fear of what people think of me. Part of the reason I’m single is because I’m afraid to open up too much… Afraid I won’t be accepted for who I am… Afraid to risk my heart again… Last time I did it got squashed to bits, I still have the scars… Sometimes my heart feels like its being held together by safety pins and hot glue… God, that sounds like a bad country song… :0) I know I’m missing out on some really possible amazing times because I let fear hold me back… I know people that have been burned worse than I was that still go on with life and find other loves… Why can’t I? And I’m determined to give it a way more of a chance than ever before. It’s a terrifying thought, but you can’t let fear stop you, right? :0)

After I am almost 30 and I do want to get married and have kids one day. How can I do that if I can’t or won’t be emotionally available? :0)

I have also decided to kick my paranoia in the ass. Not a lot of people know this but I have an intense fear of burglars. Its almost a phobia really. I’ve stayed up sometimes til ridiculous hours of the morning because I hear an odd creak or noise that’s unexplained and my overactive imagination thinks someone is trying to break in. I don’t know HOW I’m going to do that yet but I really need to figure something out for my own peace of mind. Oddly enough if I have people over or I sleep in a house/apartment with other people in it, I’m fine… I don’t know why that is… Maybe they provide a sense of security? Maybe I should get an alarm system? I just don’t know.

So I’m now taking suggestions… :0)

posted by Ali @ 11:45 PM