Not Your Average Jane

This week has been really crazy in terms of dreams… Sunday morning/Saturday night I had a dream about people I know from one of my singles groups being in choir at the more casual service at Chapelwood… Talk about odd mixes of my life… Then last night I had odd dream upon odd dream… I don’t remember some of them… But I woke up about 530 this morning after having a dream about a Lost Trailer… For some reason I was calling him Manly Manny from Miami… I wake up and “Why Me” is playing on CMT (I had the TV on for noise all night). I went to bed only to dream that I was at some sort of artist reception and a guy I’ve known most of my life and had a crush on most of that time we’ll call him H. So anyway I dreamed I was at this artist’s showing/reception and I look up and theres a mixed media sort of thing that has a picture of H tossing his son in the air. A very pretty picture… So I walk away and run into H, whose just heard about my new job (I don’t remember what I was doing – maybe it was a foreshadowing of today’s interview? Hopefully.) and was congratulating me on that but was in a rush because he was waitering for the reception. He told me I’d have to stop by while he was working and visit some more. So somehow (I’m still not sure how) I end up in this large hall/gym/reception type area and the Trailers are there (again very odd). And I’m sitting around chatting with people and someone brings in H’s son (the most adorable 2 year old ever) whose very grouchy (tired I’m guessing) and he comes over to me and does the universal kid arms in the air pick me up sign. So I being the mushball I am, pick him and he immediately settles his head on my shoulder, thumb in his mouth and goes to sleep. I end up talking to Potter (the drummer from the Trailers) and he tells me how natural I look holding H’s son. A little while later H makes his way over to me and chuckles a bit when he sees me holding his kiddo. Then he says, so he got to you did he? And I’m like, H, he looks like you as a kid how can he not get to me?
And that’s all I remember of that dream before the alarm went off…
So yeah some very odd dreams indeed…. No clue what any of it means… But I do have hopes about parts… Especially the new job bit… :0) All that reminded me that I also wanted to write an open letter to H… So that’s in the works right now….
But I woke up craving steak for some reason... So after my interview at 11 I stopped by Central Market since it was LITERALLY down the street from the building my interview was in… The interview went REALLY well I think. Apparently I was one of about 250 that had applied but only one of about 8 being brought in to interview… There are 2 more rounds of interviews to take place over the next couple of weeks and I can call and check in whenever and see how things are. They pay what I want, have benefits, the locations amazing (literally about 15 minutes away from my place), and I really liked the people that worked there that I met. And also I really do dig what they do… It’s a non profit child’s advocacy sort of place… Very cool. So here’s to hoping!
So anyway I went to Central… Stocked up, and then came home… Walked the dog, changed clothes and pretty much sacked out on the couch for most of the afternoon… My internet didn’t work so I ended up using my cell phone as a way to email (I can email but its like sending a text message so I never really send anything too long). And then I napped til around dinner and had chicken soup while I watched the Game Plan… Gawd, that was such a sweet movie… I started crying toward the end…. Darn hormones and the plot line…
Then I went to Mom’s to use her internet… Only to get home and find my internet worked again… Whoo hoo!
Too bad now I can’t find one of my TV remotes (I have 3 – one for the cable box, one for the TV and another for the dvd/vcr combo)… I can’t figure out where it went… Its very vexing…
And so far my weekend’s looking really slow… Other than lunch at the Hobbit Café Saturday and maybe a car show with Dave and Mike theres nothing that’s going on that’s got me jazzed… I think I’ve decided to not go to that Super Bowl Party, not just because of stalker gay boy but also because I’ve heard rumors that there’s gonna be major drama there… And I keep as far away from that as possible… So now I just have to decide what I’m going to do for Super Bowl… Cuz I want to at least see the half time show since its Tom Petty… And I dig his gravy…
Other than that not much is going on…
Laters.

posted by Ali @ 11:36 PM 0 Comments

I was gonna wait and do this after I got some sleep but I started on it and couldn't stop..

Here’s some open letters to guys who have made me want to throttle the male of the species…… Though one or two nice ones…

Dear Guy A,
Quit stalking me. NOW. Whatever it is you thought we may or may not have is all in your head… I came to that conclusion long ago its time you do the same. Especially if you wish to remain friends with me. You’re a nice guy but you’re obviously so far in denial about being gay that there’s nothing and no one to convince you otherwise. But I can’t say the least little thing to you without it being totally misconstrued and you immediately thinking I’m into you, can’t live with out you… Its getting old fast. All we had was some brief flirtation and a couple of crappy kisses. Get over it. If you don’t I’ll be forced to cut all ties to you again. And I don’t want to do that. Its gotten to the point I no longer want to go to a party you’re throwing… You know that can’t be good… Please and thank you.
Sincerely,
Annoyed Ali
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Dear Guy B,
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I know I can’t say that enough. You’re an amazing person in a very dangerous place. You’re optimism under any circumstances continues to astound and amaze me. I look forward to buying you that beer and hugging you like we keep talking about… :0)
Sincerely,
A Grateful Ali
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Dear Guy C,
How DARE you cancel on me at the last minute!?!?? We had plans for almost a week in advance and under most circumstances I wouldn’t mind last minute cop outs I was really looking forward to hanging out with you. You’ve lost your chance with me with your lame excuses and hemming and hawing about possible make up dates. I can stand anything but a guy who pussyfoots around that way. Good bye.
An Over You Ali
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Dear Guy D,
Where do I even begin with you? I’ve dug you for months now… And anyone whose known me more than 5 minutes knows that I don’t crush on guys that long. Ever. So why you? Why under these circumstances? I don’t know what to do about you anymore…. I enjoy giving you hell and I have a feeling you secretly enjoy it… But why haven’t you made a move or something… Anything… Give me a sign of some sort. Heck beat me over the head with a club and drag me back to your cave… But this status quo stuff’s gotta stop. I’ve thought of asking you to hang with groups of my friends but always chicken out at the last moment… I don’t know why. It’s a nasty habit I’ve gotten into… There’s even a couple of things next week I want to ask you to but I know I won’t because I’m a chicken shit… Even though I think you’re telling me you’d probably more than likely say yes… Help a sister out here…
Sincerely,
A Curious Ali
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To the Ex –
I don’t hate you, the way you think I do or the way people think I should… I just choose to feel sorry for you instead. You had so much but you wasted it. Sure you can get laid at the drop of a hate, have fun going out to drink with your friends, your drugs, and a bit of success with your music… But there’s no guarantee that any of that can replace what we had. Its too bad we can’t even be friends like we were before we started dating… The rose colored glasses are off and I’m not liking what I see. Get out of my life and quit hoping that one day I’ll take you back. News flash, no matter how many sad emails and phone calls you make I’m no longer part of your life in any way and that’s all your fault.
Have a nice life.
A Content Ali
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To My Boys:
I love ya’ll. Thanks for being the best buddies a girl could have. For all the back watching, interrogating, annoying, bossiness, and all the other stuff that seems overprotective big brother, I adore you. Its nice to know you’re loved so well as I am with ya’ll. And its amazing to be accepted no matter who I want to be regardless of the day of the week… You guys have been the constant in my life since we met when I was 13 and you adopted me at the beach that day… You've taught me so much about life that I cant even begin to list it all here.... Thank you for saving me from embarrassment and thanks for all the memories and good times. Sorry for the few times I turn all girly on ya… But I am one ya know… :0)
Love ya!
Alf
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Dear Daddy,
Why did you do it? The doctors told you over and over again you had to quit drinking why didn’t you listen? Was having 3 little girls who looked up to you and depended on you not enough to continue living for? You drank yourself to death and you know it. And I’ve had to watch myself ever since I knew the meaning of the word alcoholic because I’m so much like you its scary. And I won’t even go into the trust issues I have with men because of you. But because of you I also know what kind of man I want to settle down with one day. A man whose strong enough to overcome the bad shit in life without feeling the need to escape it all in a bottle the way you did. A man that can make me laugh through it all and works hard. Thank you too… For the memories and the time you did spend with us. It wasn’t much but it allowed us all to know you somewhat. Thank you for my genes, even though the weight thing of the big boned Germans I could have done without… I’ll always love you but I’ll always be sad you can’t be here now.
Love,
Your Older but Wiser Oldest Daughter

posted by Ali @ 2:32 AM 0 Comments

dammit man... I had a killer blog full of open letters to various boys that were making me think boys are stupid but my freaking internet connection went down so when I tried to post it, it got lost in the land that is internet neverland.... Dammit man......

I'll see what I can do about reproducing it once I've gotten some shut eye.....

posted by Ali @ 1:52 AM 0 Comments

posted by Ali @ 6:44 PM 0 Comments

Boys suck.

Boys suck.....

Boys suck.........

Boys suck..............

Its rare I'm not a fan of the male of the species but right now they are not among my favorite people..... Darn them.

Lets see... Theres the one that won't get with the program... There's the one that canceled a date at the last minute.... And theres the one that kisses like a cold fish that I have no interest in but won't go away. Its bad enough that I dont want to go to a Superbowl party he'll be at.... Not to mention the internet weirdos who send me weird, bizarre, occasionally perverse messages....

But right now I really can't get up the energy to make myself really care too much... Must be the 5 hours of sleep I had last night... I haven't run on that little sleep in a very very VERY long time... Insomnia til 4 a.m. and the dog waking me up at 9 a.m. SUCKED...... Almost as much as the boys do. So I got up and got ready, had some lunch and went to the football game at Memorial Park... And I got home a little before 5.... Since then I've been watching comedy central and reading the 2nd and 3rd books in a trilogy I started last week...

I think I may try going to bed. I have an interview at 11 am with yet another staffing agency. Luckily this one's in the Galleria area so its not too far away....

Laters.

posted by Ali @ 11:50 PM 0 Comments

This is more of a resolutions/goals for New Year’s than anything else… I can’t even think of what else it might be called… But since it’s a New Year I decided I am going to quit being afraid. Afraid of rejection, abandonment, being hurt, to open up, to take risks, and living in constant fear of what people think of me. Part of the reason I’m single is because I’m afraid to open up too much… Afraid I won’t be accepted for who I am… Afraid to risk my heart again… Last time I did it got squashed to bits, I still have the scars… Sometimes my heart feels like its being held together by safety pins and hot glue… God, that sounds like a bad country song… :0) I know I’m missing out on some really possible amazing times because I let fear hold me back… I know people that have been burned worse than I was that still go on with life and find other loves… Why can’t I? And I’m determined to give it a way more of a chance than ever before. It’s a terrifying thought, but you can’t let fear stop you, right? :0)

After I am almost 30 and I do want to get married and have kids one day. How can I do that if I can’t or won’t be emotionally available? :0)

I have also decided to kick my paranoia in the ass. Not a lot of people know this but I have an intense fear of burglars. Its almost a phobia really. I’ve stayed up sometimes til ridiculous hours of the morning because I hear an odd creak or noise that’s unexplained and my overactive imagination thinks someone is trying to break in. I don’t know HOW I’m going to do that yet but I really need to figure something out for my own peace of mind. Oddly enough if I have people over or I sleep in a house/apartment with other people in it, I’m fine… I don’t know why that is… Maybe they provide a sense of security? Maybe I should get an alarm system? I just don’t know.

So I’m now taking suggestions… :0)

posted by Ali @ 11:45 PM 0 Comments

1. I love my family but its ok to want my space
2. I know way more people that I can ever fathom remembering the names of
3. Just because a guy is attractive doesn't mean I'll automatically crush on him
4. Its okay to have other options…
5. Its ok to be scared, as long as it doesn't hinder you
6. I'm tired of being single
7. I've been out of the 'game' long enough I don't know if I remember how to play
8. I don't need to be surrounded by people to have fun
9. Dane Cook is funnier in person than he is on TV or on a CD
10. Age is just a number…
11. Its okay to not hang out in bars all the time
12. Having a job doesn't mean you'll keep it forever
13. I still miss my dad
14. Its ok to miss my ex, and remember the good times fondly
15. Sending regular mail is fun!!!!!
16. No matter how much I nag someone they won't do something I want them to
17. My first love will always hold a special place in my heart
18. I don't think I've found my soul mate yet
19. I'm waaaaay too picky about guys
20. You can't make a heart love somebody
21. Compliments are always nice
22. I can be emotionally unavailable
23. I can make kick ass sangria
24. You can't always get what you want
25. I don't have to drink myself into oblivion to prove anything
26. Being bossy is okay, as long as its done with good intentions and people don't get hurt
27. Life is never easy but always worth it
28. I refuse to do casual sex
29. Some people are into drama no matter what I do
30. I still love the Hill Country
31. I need to quit overanalyzing stuff
32. I'm afraid of rejection
33. Thanking a serviceperson means more to them than I ever imagined
34. I'm bad about keeping in touch with people
35. The higher the thread count the better the sheets
36. She who hesitates is lost
37. The little things in life make me happy
38. I'm a bit of a control freak
39. Impromptu/spontaneous things can be amazing
40. Internet dating isn't all its cracked up to be
41. High school reunions aren't that bad….
42. I'm not as crazy as most people think
43. Variety really is the spice of life
44. Male strippers are skeezy
45. My dog is sometimes the best company
46. Going to church to pick up men feels wrong
47. Going to church isn't the only way to talk to God
48. Sometimes its okay to veg
49. Jobhunting is like dating, and both suck equally
50. A guy with an acoustic guitar singing is still one of the best things there is
51. Snuggling/cuddling rocks
52. Its okay to be a bit selfish
53. Looks and personality need to balance
54. Eating healthy feels awesome
55. No matter how many times I go to the rodeo I still love it
56. The same could be said for baseball games
57. Being an attention whore is not all its cute out to be
58. If I have to talk myself into liking someone, its not worth it
59. I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some breakfast tacos….
60. Its okay to be single on Valentines Day
61. Not everyone needs to know everything
62. Karaoke still sucks
63. Its okay to cry
64. TVMax sucks
65. So does Dell
66. Running into guys I had a thing for years ago can be eye opening
67. Its okay to have secrets
68. I can't be mysterious no matter how hard I try

posted by Ali @ 11:26 PM 0 Comments

So New Year's.....

As it turns out I ended up hanging with a bunch of single friends at the Richmond Arms (a British Pub). We had some free cheap champagne and hung out... There was talk of going to another bar but we never did make it there... And so then some of us went over to my friend Jake’s apartment to watch the ball drop.. .

Right after midnight we made various toasts with cheap champagne. I ended up making a mimosa out of mine… But if I remember correctly, (it may have happened at the bar earlier II could be rememebering wrong) somehow the toast for the troops turned into a which branch of the military is the most nuts… (one guy with us was ex – Army, another was ex – Navy) The Marines won… (I’d like to take full credit for that since I nominated them, but once I said Marines, everyone made a face and immediately agreed…) But I gotta say even if they are the craziest dudes on the planet, if I’m in a fight there’s no one I’d like watching my back… One of my best friends married an ex Marine.... And most of his friends are Marines… Former and a few current… Plus a lot of firemen I know used to be Marines too… So I like to think I’ve got a lot of knowledge about what kind of guys they are…

And yes I got kissed after midnight... But I was trying to avoid it, since every other year I get kissed, my love life sucks that whole year... Color me a bit supersitious or paranoid whatever but I'm all for helping that portion of my life as much as possible... :0) Anyway he wasn't that good a kisser... And he was bragging about how good he was later... I so wanted to take him down a notch... But this is the year of the gentler, kinder Ali... Maybe... :0)

Maybe if he hadn't tried to slip me the tongue 5 minutes after making out with one of my friends, and about 10 minutes before making out with her again, we could actually hang out and maybe be friends... But I can't be friends with a dude I can't respect.... He didn't even have the excuse of being drunk.... Tipsy maybe but nowhere close to drunk... Besides even if I had been attacted to him and had wanted him to kiss me, my girlfriend was into him (Lord love her) and thats another huge No No for me.... Other girls guys (or guys they're into) are off limits. Especially after hearing what I'd hear and seen throughout the night....

But then again, he does work for NASA, and I've heard rumors they're all freaking nutjobs (and not in a fun way like me and not like the intensity of the Marines but they need straightjackets and padded cells kind of crazy....), so my hanging out with him is probably a bad idea either way....

Anyway it was rather a low key New Years when all was said and done…

posted by Ali @ 12:12 PM 0 Comments