Sunday, November 11, 2007

My dating life dissected.

Based on a conversation I had Saturday night.
Evidently, if you’re a musician of any kind, a fireman (or EMT), military or ex military, from Dallas or California, went to Tech or A and M, your name is John, Matt or Paul, are a smart ass, and/or drive a truck (not of the 18 wheeler variety) I’ll date/dig you.

But God forbid you: disrespect me, are rude in any form or fashion, lie, mistreat animals, hate kids, are a racist, sexist, a chauvinist, hater, player or are short tempered. Then we probably won’t get along at all.

Sean and I were talking (since his girl left Saturday morning he was bored) and trying to figure out why I’m single… And we discussed the blog about my pickiness, etc. He also thinks that I don’t open up enough… He’s the 2nd person to think that of me in the last couple of days. He asked me when the last time I was truly intimate with someone. (Not sex but intimate) I reminded him I blog just about everything in my life… He said it was all well and good to write stuff on a semi anonymous basis but when was the last time I truly opened myself up to someone up close and personal?

Which got me to thinking…

Am I closed off? And unwilling to open up? Has my past made me an emotional cripple?

I don’t think so… I think its just made me a lot more cautious when it comes to the big L (love) and relationships. Perhaps a bit OVERLY cautious… But maybe I’ve taken better safe than sorry to a whole new level…

Before my ex I would go balls to the wall. I had no fear of rejection or getting hurt. Now I analyze and review things til I overthink them so much I’ve missed my chance…

Example of this… The guy I’ve been into and flirting with for over a month now my horoscopes (at least since the beginning of October) been saying I should ask him out… But I’ve always hmmed and hawed over it. It wasn’t til I got let go that I was able to really make any semblance of a move… But even that was only half ass. And overly thought out. I asked like 4 people their opinions before I finally just buckled down and did it… But I was so nonchalant and offhand about it that I wanted to kick my own ass. And then I hinted at it some more but never out right asked him… Now he’s giving off those ‘he’s just not into me’ vibes… And its damn vexing. Especially since I’m still into him. UGH!!!!!

Why am I so damn scared to just do it already? The worst thing that happens is he says no. Actually the worst thing that could happen is that he laughs and then says hell no… Gawd I hate this…

If I was more religious I would seriously consider a nunnery and if I didn’t love men so much I’d consider lesbianism… No joke. I’m just frustrated beyond belief right now….

But its been so long since I’ve opened up to someone other than my closest friends I don’t know if I know how to anymore… Same thing goes for how to move a friend to a relationship level… Its been so long since I’ve done either of those… Do I even remember how to?

I’ve been told dating is many things… Fun… Exciting… A pain in the ass… Nerve racking…

But its been so damn long since I’ve even been on one I don’t think I remember how it feels to doll up for a dude, be all nervous, and to get to know someone on a deeper level… Its far too easy to simply make out with a dude or even (though this is more what I hear than what I do) have sex casually than actually getting to know someone. Am I the only one who wants to get to know someone before sleeping with them? Am I the only one who needs to build a certain level of trust in order to ‘do the deed’?

And why is this mostly questions without answers?

Perhaps one of these days I’ll figure out some of the answers…

Lates.

posted by Ali @ 12:10 AM

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