Not Your Average Jane

So I’ve fallen and I can’t get up… Fallen into a habit that’s as old as the hills… At least for me… Its not rebounding, its more like falling into something comfortable, like an old t shirt. Old t shirts aren’t bad… They’re worn and soft with age… Something you can just slip on without thinking about it… That’s what this is like… I know nothing will come of it, but its still a habit of mine… Part of what makes me me… And I wouldn’t change that for the word… And its something that doesn’t hurt anyone, so I’m not going to sweat it… Actually this particular habit is pretty much based on one thing… And around one person… I know nothing will come of it, since I kind of figured out a long time ago that he wasn’t feeling me the way I was him… Its not a big deal, it sucks but I’ll live… No I’m not naming names, I’m simply saying… Every time I see this particular person I fall back into… theres no better word for it than just plain old simple crush mode… It happens like every time I see him… How insane is that? Ever since I met him its like I see him and I know what an awesome person he is, and how attractive he is and its like boom shaka… Crush mode major…. (Talk about watching too much Zenon… lol… Props to those who know who Zenon is… lmao…) No clue why that happens… I know he’s so totally not into me the same way… I figured it out a long time back but there it is… And oops I did it again… rofl… Sorry, its too early for Britney I know… So yeah it didn’t help things I had two people in stereo telling me I should go hump him and get it over… Yeah I’m out there but humping a guy in public? Not so much gonna happen… And I bet Richelle just figured out who I was talking about… lol… She knows what an amazing person he is… I’ve raved about him often enough to her…. Lol… Kinda weird I know since I was heavily in lust with one of his friends last week… And another this week… Too bad this one had a girlfriend and lived nowhere near here… Dammit man.
I’ve been thinking about love and mushy romantic feeling type stuff a lot lately… And trying to meld my idea with what love and a relationship should be with a view that may be a bit more realistic… I have this idealized version of what love is… And I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that, only part of its applicable. Passion yes, love yes, happily ever… Not always… But then I knew all that before, it’s just become more of a thought in the forefront here lately… What I think and experience are totally different from what anyone else knows or has experienced… And I think that everyone’s idea of love is shaped from their life experiences… Their parents, siblings, other family, close friends, that sort of thing… They witness examples of love everyday through these people and pop culture to an extent and that shapes their idea of love. The same for me. My parents loved each other. They just couldn’t live together because of my father’s alcoholism. That taught me that you have to sometimes be strong enough to give up what you love in order to make a better life for yourself and your children (if there are any – in my case there were 3). I also witness aunts, uncles, cousins… All get married young and stay married just for the kids… So I know its not only possible to keep the whole til death do us part, it may not always be easy… But then what is in life that’s worth having? I also have a very idealized version of love because I’ve read a lot of romance novels and Cosmo magazines… So I think that love and sex and trust and honesty, all go hand in hand. And I also look at my sisters and mother’s relationships…. That tells me that companionship, comfort, and camaraderie are also part of love… So what is love to me? Aside from the joking about something I don’t have… Its attraction, a spark… Clicking with someone and being able to be yourself around them… Being able to be honest with each other and trust each other…. Chemistry, lust, like, passion, romance… Those are the basics of love according to Ali… This leads to the thought of men and why I’m single… Which may have to come in a later blog since I’m still working on those in my head… But who knows maybe by writing about it will help me figure it out, get it out and move on… We’ll see… Anyway its time for a potty break…. And then its back to work I go… Hi ho hi ho… Laters.

posted by Ali @ 10:52 AM