Not Your Average Jane

So I’ve sat down to write this a couple of times and every time I try I can’t figure out how to start or what exactly I want to say… I’m pretty much just a massive ball of confusion at the moment…. I know why but I can’t figure out how to get some clarity. Its not the job, or the apartment hunt that has me in chaos… Those are handleable. The future has me a lil concerned in general cuz I want to work with kids so bad, I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get to for whatever reason… Mostly I’m a ball of nerves because of a man. Actually 2 men. One I’ve had a thing for ever since I met him… He’s got such a good heart and I’m comfortable with him. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same way I do about him, but I’m ok with that for the most part. He’s just so freaking amazing… An ex Marine, firefighter/musician and he’s so polite and sweet. I’m okay with him in silence and he’s not too horribly shocked at things I do… I mean he’s had his butt grabbed by me, I’ve flirted with him hard core and he’s still happy to see me every time he sees me… And he doesn’t mind when I tease or correct him on random factoids… Usually he sees me before I see him and he’ll grab me for a hug and chat… I don’t know if he does that for everyone or what but I don’t care cuz he’s an awesome hugger… We hang out at the same places and like the same things… And he’s just such a hottie to boot. That’s Guy A.
Guy B is a guy I knew in high school, that I just came across on a website I use a couple of weeks ago. We started messaging and emailing each other and about a week and a half ago we traded phone numbers and we’ve been talking/texting (and still emailing too) every day… We’ve tried to make plans to meet up to hang out or whatever but its been difficult (he doesn’t have a car at the moment) for some reason or other… So 3 times we’ve tried to get together and haven’t been able to. All last week. But we’re talked about everything under the sun and he likes that I call him on his shit and that I can make him laugh… I like the fact he’s been through a lot and is stronger and more confident for having done so… And I haven’t laughed so much or so hard (or talked on the phone) with anyone ever I don’t think… He’s told me secrets about himself I haven’t even told my best friends, whom I tell everything to. And I’ve told him things that very few people even know about me (weird since I’m pretty much an open book I know but they’re just lil isms I have that unless you know me really well, you don’t know about me…) And I’m actually thinking realistically what it’d be like if we dated or had a relationship… It makes me nervous I admit… Thinking about getting seriously involved with anyone makes me a lil apprehensive and he does come with some baggage (who doesn’t these days?). There are things about his past that make me a lil hesitant to commit to anything with him… Whats a girl to do… I don’t know… Maybe I’ll figure it out… Maybe I won’t… I just don’t know. Yeah I’m done for now… Laters.

posted by Ali @ 4:48 PM