Not Your Average Jane

I had a dream about him last night.... And all day long I can't stop thinking about him... And suddenly I'm back to where I was last year.... I miss him like I'd miss my right arm if it got cut off.... Its like we broke up and I lost one of my best friends and I don't think I've ever really recovered from that.... The relationship, the cheating and the lying and lose of self esteem (if you have a significant other that won't have sex with you but will with any other body that asks, tell me you wouldn't feel a little less attractive... ) I've dealt with and I've forgiven him and I'm finally at peace with.... I'm not attracted to him now its just I miss being able to call him up any time I want to be able to talk.... Sure I have friends I can call at the drop of a hat but when we broke up I lost one of my favorites... When we started dating I lost my best... I was an idiot. Big stupid idiot. For that I can never express how sorry I am.... We're still friends but nothing is the same and that sucks....
The fact I have entirely too much time here lately gives me time to think about things I shouldn't like about them and what happened.... The What Ifs and Should Haves Could Haves and Would Haves.... But those are the things that can bog you down if you're not careful I know.... And I'm trying not to let it get me down but its hard.... I need a new hobby or something.... Something that gets me out of the house, out of my own mind.... Any suggestions? I'm open to anything.... But if things keep up the way they are I'll only be in town another month or so.... So its like what can I do? And I'm already fucking homesick..... I haven't even left yet and already I miss home.... Dammit....
My head is tired.... My bank account is nearing empty as is my gas tank... My emotions are all over the place and my heart hurts.... I'm close to calling him to see if we could somehow scrounge up some semblance of friendship because I miss having him in my life...
ok on to other stuff.... a little more chipper if you will... Never did call U of O today... Mom got busy with La and her moving stuff.... She then sent me off to get some pillows she had re re done.... it started pouring on me.... lovely... then we actually wrote an email to Wilma (the registar at U of O) cuz we decided it would be better to have it all written down to cover everything... So I went to Borders and spent almost an hour and a half there.... there were some hot boys there.... one was in the religion section... theres a no no... another was with his girlfriend... nother no no.... I bust a gut in the religion section by accident.... I was goin like I was gonna hit on the cute boy there and I looked at the books there to sorta inch my way closer and look for an opener... And I saw on one row Mormons... and right below that Barbour.... I started laughing like nothing else, cuz I'd didn't know Kev had written a book on his way of life.... Picked it up and turned out to be about scientology.... Ah well, it was still rather humorous... Came home and had a turkey sandwich and read a book.... now here I be.... whoo hoo....if you're looking for me Tuesday.... I'm running an errand or 2 over by the Galleria and taking care of some stuff for mom... Then Tuesday night is Dub Miller's thing at Kays.... if you need me, try my cell..... ok now I'm kinda hungry now... darnit..... ah well.... maybe I'll grab a snack and watch a movie... I'm not tired enough to sleep yet.... laters.

posted by Ali @ 11:30 PM