Not Your Average Jane

People amaze me constantly... And not always in a good way... I always chose to see the bright side of things and ignore all the other little things that could turn out badly... The last couple of days I feel like I'm stuck in this vortex thats been spinning out of control... And for those that know me well, know I HATE not being in control... I feel like this current situation is like Dave and Brian and Katie all wrapped up in one... Of course i'm the only one who knows who all 3 of those people even are.... I've never talked about Dave here.... He's so long ago and last I heard he was married to some puta.... (yes I just cursed in Spanish.) Brian.... If you really wanna know read back to September ish.... And Katie.... Well most everyone knows about Katie.... Toss in a lil old school teenage angst, jr high drama and one insecure me and you can begin to get how the last few days have gone for me....
Which is why I'm taking back the reins to my life. I'm getting back on the ball about finishing those 2 classes, seeing if its possible to become certified to teach, even with my GPA, talk to the temp agency lady, but I'm not pinning all my hopes on her.... And let go of this silly school girl crush that has only caused me pain and anxiety.... Shouldn't be too hard right?
I only have 21 hours next week instead of the usual 35-38 so I should have lots of spare time to do what needs doing. What has to be done. What I want to be done... Time to get back on track and quit screwing around. Time to grow up and get out of this house that I don't even consider my real home... The home I remember best is the RippleCreek house... almost 12 years of happiness and heartache, laughter and tears, so many pets and friends come and gone... There was a time we jokingly refferred to it as Grand Central Station.... But since the move to the townhouse... I feel suffocated... I can see downtown.... I dont want to be able to see downtown.... I want trees and flowers and space.... Not all this landscaped lil plots of garden shit... We don't even have a true back porch.... Not one where I could go lay out and tan or even go out and read a book on a pretty day.... What we have is a slab of concrete connected to the backdoor thats overcrowded with plants and a table with chairs and a mini BBQ pit (not a true in the ground one, but one on rollers...)that never gets used.... I sleep and eat here. Its a roof over my head. I can deal with that. Its rent free which is what i really need at this particular time... But its stifling.... When we first moved here I was never really very claustrophobic, but now... Its like sometimes its hard to even breath... and then driving by the old house(since its off Memorial and Memorial is on the way to work it happens alot...) its like big breathe...sigh.... My dog is buried there. How much more of my heart could the place get? I'm in Houston... Its ok I guess better than Clarksville (which I miss little things about strangely enough).... I'm in Texas, which was my main goal throughout college.... And now its like I want something more.... Someplace I can think about and smile and look forward to going back to when I leave... Something I thought I had at that house.... Somewhere I'm not afraid or paranoid about crime... Someplace I can call home.... Where is it I wonder?
I used to think it was with him in New Braunfels.... Laying around the apartment, watching TV, going to Whataburger at 3 am just to get some fries, hanging out at Hastings cuz it was free, goin into gruene for ice cream on a hot day... Every time I left I felt like I was leaving part of me behind... And even when I go back now, having those memories, and knowing he's down the street but I won't see him and knowing that I'm over him, that doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt a little bit when I'm there and doin things we used to do... Maybe thats why I think of NB as my second home... Not totally but part of the reason why I want to move there.... My mom doesn't understand.... Its not cuz of the music scene being better, its just this feeling I get coming off I 10 and onto 46 its like Hey Ali, Welcome Home, Glad you're back.... Ya know?
Okay enough with the rambling.... Its almost 1:15 and I have to work 2morrow.... Ugh.... 1-915 and then its off to the Sidecar to see Stoney.... I love that guy... He's talented and funny and he puts on one heck of a show... Kinda like someone else I know.... But we're not goin there...
anyway its off to bed... laters...

posted by Ali @ 1:01 AM