Friday, October 01, 2004

Tonight there literally are no words to express myself properly.... I've never felt so frustrated, so down, so.... stressed... There's not really any words for what I'm feeling... I'm just so damn close to tears my vision' s a little bit blurry... I've never felt so damn worthless in my entire life as I did and still do at this moment.... Ok tearing up has lead to dripping tear drops and sniffles... To know someone thinks so little of you after all you're tried to do to prove to them otherwise, its completely disheartening... Makes me wonder if I'll ever do anything or be anything good enough to ever satisfy her... I think the answer there could be no especially if this most recent trend keeps up.... I dont know if she's menopausing and just taking it out on us or not... Hell, me period... She and Lauren are still as thick as thieves and I feel like a 3rd wheel that just happens in live in the same house.... Why is she treating me, her own daughter like crap? And when she does talk to me all she ever does is talk down to me, like i'm not fit to clean her boots.... And she never believes anything coming out of my mouth, she's told me as much and to a point I can understand but to reprimand me for not feeling good (and then tell me she doesnt believe I'm sick) and goin to see a movie with a friend who I hadnt seen in weeks, is just ridiculous.... She yelled at me for calling in sick to work... She again brought up the saintly fucking example of herself.... She then goes on to tell me she doesn't know why I took this job... And she goes on to harp on the get medical training and do you even care about anything? Because she can't see that I do care about my life or have a passion for anything... Just because I keep my emotions close to the cuff in her presense, she says I have none? What the fuck??? She then harps on the spending money thing some more and how clean the house and my room aren't..... She ends the lecture by saying you'd wish I'd just shut up and go to bed now dont you.... I answered her honestly... Yes I do.... She says a very curt good night and leaves...
And now here I am trying not to cry and listening to Secondhand Lions... I think I need to change it to Best Lil Whorehouse in Texas... I could use a giggle... Oh and on top of mom's shit, I realized today would have been Daddy's 71st birthday.... Yes he would have been that old.... He was almost 19 years older than my mom....
And the dr wondered why I had high blood pressure... With the amount of daily stress I have, wouldn't you???????? Fuck it... I tell her that and she'd be like I don't believe you and how could you spend the 30 dollars that you could be saving.... Fuck no.... I'm done for the moment.... gonna go watch something funny... I need some fucking cheering up now...... Laters.....

posted by Ali @ 9:53 PM

1 Comments:

At 8:32 PM , Blogger Chuck Cottrell said...

I hope things go better for ya, Bob...I know what it's like to have a mother harping on you at every turn (God knows that's all mine's done for the past year and a half). Just remember--you get to choose her rest home.

 

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