Friday, September 03, 2004

Okay, got back from Corpus earlier today... Like 7 tonight... lol..... Went to see the Trailers and Randy Rogers last night.... it rocked, I took pics... should have them up on my photobucket by the end of the weekend.... I'm hungry.... theres random for ya.... still love the word fuck and now I've started randomly flicking people off, even if they can't see me doing it.... I didn't flirt with anyone (anymore than is usual or natural...) seems to shock everyone who hears it...
Amy's DDed me a couple of times yesterday, I love that girl she's such a doll... She was with Joc on the way to South Padre.... She DD ed me again after I got home last night....
Girl was hanging out the window screaming something about having 10 years of gymnastics... What a silly girl...
Gina DDed right b4 I went to bed, not nearly as crazy, just following some guys she'd just met home with a friend of hers... Anyway Bec and I went crazy with the digital camera last night and as soon as she emails me the pics I'll put em up... I swear you'd think we were drunk or something...
I just got off the phone with 'than and he made me realize some things about my current crush and myself... Almost made me cry... He knows probably better than anyone else I know and he knows how to make me say what I'm really feeling... Hence the crying 2night... I told him about the no flirting thing last night and why... And then I told him about another conversation I had had with someone else involved in the situation.... Makes no sense I know but just let me keep on with this... I'm still keeping the current crush on the DL so if I name names people can tell who he is.... A few people do know but I'm trying to keep it in that small circle of people....
Anyway some things were said in my convo with Nate that shook me a bit... and yes they made me a cry a bit too... some happy, some frustrated and some sad.... He's right as much as I hate to admit it.... This person I talked to 2night may know something that I'm not being told. But then I may being told stuff she has no clue about... I'm not really sure either way... But my hopes for anything coming of this crush have been made far more reasonable... I'm not completely dispondant that nothing will ever happen but I'm not goin to delude myself into thinking he's the one either... I'm just going to have to take the wait and see approach... as much as I hate to.... the ball's in his court at the moment.... so we'll see....
anyway Nate made me cry because I didn't realize exactly HOW well he knew me until 2night... He calls me on my shit... and he knows that even though I may put up a big bad loud ass mother fucker facade, I'm still the same girl I was in high school... the quiet, shy lil wallflower with the heart of gold.... his words, not mine... anyway im on the phone with Bec... ill write more laters....

half an hour later....

Ok, so my conversation with Nate... after telling me that I hadn't changed much since high school he goes on to tell me its a good thing... We fight a bit because I don't want to be thought of as that way again... He comes back with but its a good thing... there are no other women in this world like you... honest, to the point, a good listener AND a sweet marshmallow center to go along with all that... just be the chiclette I know and love.... big aww moment.... more tears... so we get into me dating and hes like the newer tude could be a hindrance rather than a help... he told me, you have to open up and let everyone see the sweet marshmallow inside... more crying and talking about making oneself vulnerable and that being part of life... I know it is, doesn't mean I have to LIKE it.... He then goes on to say every romantic relationship you've ever had, has never been truely meaningful... Even with B, and B2, you still didn't let yourself go fully.... letting yourself go being fall head over heels... I was fooled in the b2 situation it was more of an ego bruising than anything... B, whatever that elusive 'it' is wasn't there... he said I've never really been in love... one sided 'love' yes, but never a full on, commited, loving relationship.... Wowza... Talk about your come to jesus talks.... This was the mother of them all... I'm still in a bit of shock from it all... I just need a day or 2 to sort of digest it all... Maybe after a few days it'll digest a lil bit better... Right now its kind of a shock to the system... anyway i think I may go to bed... laters.

posted by Ali @ 11:41 PM

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