Not Your Average Jane

So I've kinda run through a gamut of emotions this weekend.... Strangely enough I STILL haven't cried... This is the girl who sobs like a baby at Hallmark commercials.... I did do some research this weekend on grief and its stages, though I can't really classify where I am at the moment, but I did find out its ok not to be crying so I don't feel nearly as guilty as I did.... Though from what I read its only ok as long as you can express your grief in some other way... I haven't found that way yet, but it won't overwhelm me like after daddy died... Course then I was only 13 and completely unfamilar with extreme emotions... Now at 25 I think I experienced the majority of them...
I posted something in the John Wayne and Jesus section of GW and I'm realizing how lucky I am to have friends like the ones I have from GW... They're all such great people... They came through when Katie was hurt last week and they're coming through for me now, and I don't know if a lot of them have any idea how much that means to me... Katie, Stu, Kevin, Brian, Sarah, Kara, JD, Lavinia, Jason, Matt and whoever else I might have forgotton, thank you and I love yall so damn much! Ok, now I'm on the verge of crying....
Anyway..... I talked to mom tonight and she's still in shock I think and a tad bit angry at her sisters who both live close to (one actaully with) my grandmother.... Turns out she'd been having stroke like symtoms for a week or so before her death... And mom was going through the what ifs, exactly like I did after Tiffy died a few years ago.... Sure, my grandmother and my dog are two completely different things, and I hate to say it but I was closer to my dog than my grandparent.... In the last few monthes I've gotten to be ok with her dying (even though she died 3 years ago)... I finally let go of my anger at her, at the vet, and at even God.... I quit talking about her in present day terms and I can talk about her now with a smile.... Anyway back to Mamamaw... Lauren's feeling guilty as I suspected, Mom's goin to Floresville with John 2morrow afternoon, Linz can't go to the funeral cuz of finals, Lauren rescheduled a final to be able to go and I'm STILL carless.... And mom agreed it'd be too long and too far a trip for me to try to come.... And I have 2 finals that day.... So yeah I'm still confused about the whole Mamamaw dying thing... I'm not in denial, I'm not angry, and I'm not in shock anymore... So what do I feel? I'm not overwhelming sad, though I do feel kinda melancholy... I'm oversensitived to mentions of grandparents or people talking to grandparents, but I'm not breaking down in tears.... I'm not exactly jumping for joy, and I'm not really anything in particular when I think about her and her dying.... Does that make me a horrible person??? Cuz I do feel guilty as hell that I don't feel anything... Its kinda upsetting, cuz I'm usually brutally honest... I feel like I'm lying to myself, but about what??? Her dying? No, I know she's dead. I'm not unaffected... I know how I should feel, but I also know what I DO feel.... And the two don't mesh.... Any advice or opinions??? Email em I'll take anything.... (sunnychic78@yahoo.com for those that don't know by now) I don't want to get home next week and my family is suddenly all in tears and I'm the only one thats not (like when daddy died).... I sure as hell don't wanna get sent to a shrink again like I did then and everyone was convinced something was wrong with me, cuz I didn't grieve in the same way as everyone else.... Damn, I hate death, it just confuses the hell outta me... Laters....

posted by Ali @ 9:37 PM