Not Your Average Jane

All right so I can finally sort out my feelings enough to write them.... I got a call from my little sis this afternoon and after a bit of the usual small talk, she sorta slips in Mamamaw died today and goes on with the conversation... I'm all like what? Back up the boat a sec, chica... She's like yeah, today about noon.... She went in her sleep... I was shell shocked to say the least.... I acutally went into shock and had to stop myself from curling up in a little ball and avoiding everyone.... I've never been close to my grandmother, but to hear she's dead.... It just sort of rocked my world off its axis.... Her funeral is next Tuesday in San Antonio... I don't know if I would go even if I could... (I have 2 finals that day and I'm still carless.) Not because I didn't like OR love her, just the opposite... I did... do... did I suppose, love her.... Sure she drove me crazy with her nosiness but thats what family does... Its just ever since I heard I can't cry... Its like I think I should.... Its part of the grief process, and my eyes hurt like I wanted to cry and couldn't and I feel extremely guilty for feeling that way.... So then I've been trying to avoid thinking about it or her at all and now I'm at the point it doesn't feel real, regardless of all the condolecences and stuff... I actually hearing those.... Mainly cuz I don't really feel like she's dead. And for now with everything else on my plate maybe thats a good thing... I've been saying for a while I can't take much more.... And if I let it, this could overwhelm me and I really can't handle it right now... Maybe that makes me sound like a bit of a bitch or insensitive or whatever, but thats my coping mechanism... Maybe once I get home it'll hit me, and it'll suddenly be real.... My last living grandparent is dead.... I don't know.... I'm just really confused at this point in time... And really stressed at the same time.... Anyway, I love you all and I'll talk to you laters!!!!

posted by Ali @ 12:50 AM